Rainy Sunday

Raindrops on windows, wind howling and my coffee cup is empty.  The wind sounds so lonely.  Yet I love it and the stormy weather.  Sweep through the shadows in my mind and open it to the possibilities that lie just around the corner.  Sometimes I feel like a child peeking around the corner to see what's coming, half expectant and half anxious.  "Turn the corner", a voice keeps whispering.  I am, aren't I?  Yes and no.....I need to follow the Nike advice...JUST DO IT! So today I think I'll Do It! And tomorrow I'll tell you what IT is. 

2017 Jump-Start

Just write just write have to write something...... Fresh Starts the theme for every January!  Clean out your closets! Purge! Jump-Start your life! Yes, I'm all in!  Where I get stumped though is after this burst of creative energy hits and spawns an idea how do I begin, or believe in myself or my idea enough to actually start.  Momentum to keep going.... I need some.  It has been a rough 6 months for me personally and yet it has been one of change.  With a new home, a new bike and an old kiln, I plan to begin.  Not everything in my life is clear or fleshed out but is it ever for anyone. My plan.... Write everyday, get on my bike at least once a week, get a wheel and throw some clay and keep doing yoga!  Expectations that my life is going to change in 100 days in a big way! Why.... Good question. I don't really know and I'm just believing that it is.  I am looking for input from people who inspire me, Flora Bowley, Martha Beck, my friends and family.  I plan to attend a couples day retreat at Spirit Rock, and a workshop by a life coach.  Basically I am willing to go the distance and do whatever I can afford financially and with my time to push out of a state of fear to a place of momentum....rolling into a future filled with beauty and purpose that is going to knock my socks off!!! Are you with me? 

Morning Illusions

Sensing inevitable change....wanting it, tasting it and repelling anything that tries to subdue it.  Taking myself seriously, as seriously as I would take a child describing a vivid dream.  I see things.  I see things uniquely.  I see things always connected. Nature is connected to my chore.  It's sounds and textures...beauty and energy.  

I went to the window to capture what I was looking out at... The nature that was moving inside me this morning and at the same time reflecting back at me was my cozy spot.  The place where coffee, pen and paper, heart and hope, scribble out intention and dispel fears and pessimism.  This illusion of the two being one struck me as the very reality of who I am.  This is how I view life. Present in the now of things but the strong impression of the universe moving around me is continually bringing new possible realities into focus.  So clear are the impressions that if I could dispel the hesitation, the haulting piece of me..... I would walk into it and the strong illusion would become my reality. 

BELIEVING CONNECTED AND GROUNDED, MY AVATAR LIFE

 

When I watched the movie "Avatar" it changed my life!!!!  Seriously, I felt something shift inside me.  To be connected to all that is around us makes so much sense.  I find myself feeling overwhelmed with life and as the feeling wells up inside I reach my feet out to the ground and stand up, feeling the earth supporting me.  I begin to acknowledge all that is around me; the sky, trees, the air and the warm rays of the sun.  Feeling this connection with Nature, I breathe, slow and deep.  I'm not alone and I am supported and inspired by the life and energy which fills and surrounds me. 

This feels very different than my Christian background.  To be a steward over nature is very different than being connected to her.  I want to tap into this more and find the ways I can be grounded, at peace and whole. 

When I was a little girl, I would wonder.  We had 7 acres near the ocean and my little feet would carry me all over that ranch.  I watched the chickens, pigs and cows and talked to them.  Watched snakes travel sideways through the road and sat in the dirt to play with the ants ,little beetles and rolly-polies.  Lady bugs, butterflies, dragonflies and frogs delighted and amused me.  I have always been connected to nature.  Now my whole being wants more...

Muscles, Community, Congruity and thoughts on Socialism

In my son's government class they had an election.  The end result was the class voted in the Conservative party, which was not the party my son represented. In discussing the different running platforms for both parties, he explained their group was much more socialistic.  We were talking about socialism last night and I was trying to wrap my mind around the basic tenants of Lenin inspired socialism. This is where the Muscles come in that we found growing in a colony on Muir Beach.  (#muirbeach)  

 

It finally clicked with me.....I believe in community but not pure socialism.  The muscles we  found were amazing! All clustered together on a boulder in the sand. The sea crashing in on them and providing all their needs. The muscles were identical in shape and color with only slight variations. The size was really the main difference as some muscles were older and larger and others smaller and less mature. This community is made up of individuals all with identical needs and instincts. There are no particular relationships with muscles. No parenting or courting occurs. They instinctively look out for their own survival and their coming together in colonies provides protection from predators.  It was interesting to note that the young adult muscles often attach to the cluster by smothering the older adults. (Kind of freaked me out)  Now I can picture muscles,if I personify them, as being very suitable for a socialistic community.  Their uniformity in looks and purpose make them a perfect choice.

When I look around at my family, each of my children are so incredibly different.  We are very individualistic. Sure we sometimes borrow each other's clothes but we dress with a totally different sense of style from one another. Our hair colors, eye colors and features all have similarities consistent with our genetics but we all appear as unique individuals. Our. Minds work totally different. The generations we have been born into have different passions and life experiences. 

I love the idea of community!  Being in each others lives at crucial moments and in the not so crucial "every dayness" of life. Having a "Tribe" and supporting each other through life. I also feel that there is an unfair disadvantage to so many in our country and world.  No matter what their hopes and dreams are the community they area part of does more to undermine their efforts than to give them the encouragement they need. I want to make a difference here and I want community. 

Muscles have been speaking to me since we returned from Muir Beach. I have an open shell on my bathroom counter.  The colors are congruent with me!  I often look down at the shell only to see  the similiar colors starring back at me from the mirror. Though I am and always will be a firm believer in creativity and individuality, I can still appreciate and learn from the muscles desire to join a cluster and live touching each other.

 

Hand stands and Eleanor Roosevelt

"Do one thing that scares you every day." Eleanor Roosevelt  This quote speaks to me!  It seems that somewhere in my 30's fear became my companion.  He snuggled up to me and attached himself to the things I love most.  "Fear said your husband can't really love you...you're getting older and he is eternally young.....it won't be long and you will be ALONE...ALL ALONE!"  Fear attached himself to my children and. said to me, "They aren't safe...keep them close or something bad will happen.  Closer...don't let them out of your sight....others aren't safe."  Like a fool I listened and churned with anxiety as Fear whispered in my ear.

How I wish Eleanor Roosevelt had been my next door neighbor and sat in my kitchen sharing a cup of coffee and looked me in the eyes and said, " Annette, you need to stop holding hands with fear and give him a swift kick in the ass.  Face your fears and simply do one thing that scares you every day and teach that to your children. It will free you and change your life!"

I can't take back the years that I allowed fear to influence my life but I see him for the destroyer he is and I am choosing to daily free myself from any grip he tries to get on me.  He destroys confidence, peace, joy, fun and laughter.  He takes you far from the risks you need to take in life that teach so much more than hiding under a bed can.

In yoga they often do handstands.  It's been quite a while since I've done one!  So, I shut my bedroom door and lock it, so no one surprises me or knocks me over and try.  At first I only can conjure up a lame mule kick.  But as I keep trying my kicks go higher and my body loosens up.  Finally, success!!  It feels so good.  I know the handstands are a small thing, but I'm not afraid of them anymore.  I see Fear coming a mile away.  He no longer can sneak through my door.  

Still I find times that my thoughts run towards him like the "old" days but now I have the ability to stop myself and see things without his filter and experience the excitement as I  take the risks that are opening up to me...like putting your thoughts down on a blog for anyone to see.  I want to be more like you Eleanor! 

Foggy Thinking

I spent 4 days in San Francisco alone. It was my first "just for me vacation". The view from the apartment I stayed in has a big window that looks out at the Bay Bridge. I watched the fog roll in slowly, creeping in like a benevolent spirit filling my soul.  When I was a little girl I would often watch as the fog rolled over the hill, being amazed at how lifelike it was, like a wave in slow motion. 

I found my mind unfolding like the fog, slowly but persistently.  Gone was the constant chatter of my busy home community. Just me, my thoughts and the city noises. I read, watched movies, painted and walked.  Marveling at the variety of people, languages, architecture and the blatant contrasts. 

I walked by a homeless man almost everyday asleep on the same piece of concrete.  At first I was worried he might be dead because he hadn't seem to move at all from day one to day two. The next time I past he had changed positions.  Good, I thought, not dead. My walk led me to a coffee shop where I ordered my triple shot latté in a glass mug and sat outside people watching, sketching and reading.  I overheard two men in their twenties or early thirties negotiating a business deal for 10,000,000 euros.  I sketched the tree in front of me which was all bare except for a sparce sprinkling of leaves high up, which resembled Christmas ornaments.  I studied the men and women's style.  Heard work chit chat and the confused outbursts of a man who was speaking to an invisible audience.  Walked back to the apartment and pasted again the sleeping lump of jackets, blankets and man. 

It made me wonder how children perceive the dicotomies in the city.  How do they take in the homeless man and towering buildings or the fancy cars and people talking into the air? I am sure their response is partly formed by where their own life is coming from; a needy home, visiting the city from the country, being walked by their nanny or an exciting outing with a grandparent.  How do we begin a conversation with a child about all of it?  How do we begin the conversation with ourselves?  

Back at the apartment, I found I'm very comfortable with quiet.  It was really fun to paint and allow it to go for several days and complete the painting. Lovely. I took it all in. The beautiful things along with the pain.  It all became a part of me. The Bridge was the constant. Even when it was unseen by the fog, it was still there and would inevitably reappear.  No major "a ha" moments in my time away, just a time of taking in, which in my life of giving to a large family was really beautiful.

I'm finding my constants, like the bridge, and allowing my thoughts to wash over them, holding onto those which prove true to me.

          Photo credit Jordan Burke & Laura Yang