Foggy Thinking

I spent 4 days in San Francisco alone. It was my first "just for me vacation". The view from the apartment I stayed in has a big window that looks out at the Bay Bridge. I watched the fog roll in slowly, creeping in like a benevolent spirit filling my soul.  When I was a little girl I would often watch as the fog rolled over the hill, being amazed at how lifelike it was, like a wave in slow motion. 

I found my mind unfolding like the fog, slowly but persistently.  Gone was the constant chatter of my busy home community. Just me, my thoughts and the city noises. I read, watched movies, painted and walked.  Marveling at the variety of people, languages, architecture and the blatant contrasts. 

I walked by a homeless man almost everyday asleep on the same piece of concrete.  At first I was worried he might be dead because he hadn't seem to move at all from day one to day two. The next time I past he had changed positions.  Good, I thought, not dead. My walk led me to a coffee shop where I ordered my triple shot latté in a glass mug and sat outside people watching, sketching and reading.  I overheard two men in their twenties or early thirties negotiating a business deal for 10,000,000 euros.  I sketched the tree in front of me which was all bare except for a sparce sprinkling of leaves high up, which resembled Christmas ornaments.  I studied the men and women's style.  Heard work chit chat and the confused outbursts of a man who was speaking to an invisible audience.  Walked back to the apartment and pasted again the sleeping lump of jackets, blankets and man. 

It made me wonder how children perceive the dicotomies in the city.  How do they take in the homeless man and towering buildings or the fancy cars and people talking into the air? I am sure their response is partly formed by where their own life is coming from; a needy home, visiting the city from the country, being walked by their nanny or an exciting outing with a grandparent.  How do we begin a conversation with a child about all of it?  How do we begin the conversation with ourselves?  

Back at the apartment, I found I'm very comfortable with quiet.  It was really fun to paint and allow it to go for several days and complete the painting. Lovely. I took it all in. The beautiful things along with the pain.  It all became a part of me. The Bridge was the constant. Even when it was unseen by the fog, it was still there and would inevitably reappear.  No major "a ha" moments in my time away, just a time of taking in, which in my life of giving to a large family was really beautiful.

I'm finding my constants, like the bridge, and allowing my thoughts to wash over them, holding onto those which prove true to me.

          Photo credit Jordan Burke & Laura Yang

DON'T Over-Think It

Yesterday as I sat at a coffee shop in the middle of a rainstorm I made a call for some advice and inspiration. I need to find a way to make an income.  I have put 26 years of my life into my family.  Now I have the time and there is a need for me to give in a different way.  How do you write down your "job" experience on a application?  Well, let's see, I managed a household, homeschooled for 21 years and I'm a great cook.  Degree, ummm, an early childhood teaching credential,working to put my husband through school and my years of experience in the home have to count for something....don't they?

I applied for a job at a clothing sore last year and the manager said I was shy.  Okay so I hid behind my mother's dress when I was 4, I'm over that, right?  I catered for a while.  It was hard work and I enjoyed some of it but it's really tough to do something and not feel your time is valued.  Ironically, I'm encouraging one of my sons to get a job, any job.  I'm trying to encourage him not to be  picky but to be willing to do what he needs whatever it takes to make some money.

I'm hoping that it's okay for me to be picky at 51.  I did the jobs that didn't pay well but paid my insurance and phone bill etc.. Drive through cashier at Burger King, birthday clown at Farrel's, pre-school teacher, waitress,house cleaning and running a natural foods store,  I even started my own gluten-free baking business.  Now what?

DON'T over-think it!

What the hell does that mean? This was the advice given to me by my entrepreneur son, the Rogue Chef.  As I allowed this thought to sit with me yesterday, this is what I came up with.

Just Do It! Just throw yourself into everything you love.  Take every opportunity to volunteer, take a class, visit museums, read books etc. and talk to people about what you love.  Blog about it and read blogs about it. Don't let life at home keep you from pursuing an opportunity.  They get it.  I'm lucky to have a supportive family. There are times I back away and freeze up not sure of my self, wanting to hide behind those skirts again.  Here's where I need to be harder on myself and push myself, not to hide behind my family but allow all that is there to encourage me to move forward.

DON'T over-think it!

                                  N

Closing the door on "used to be"

Reality has no time for "used to be's". In fact "used to be's" suck the life from reality. Our life used to be a lot different.  But it's not that way anymore and I think many of the changes have been necessary. The changes are not more comfortable to live with but stretching and challenging. 

 When your children are little there is something beautiful about the smallness of life. We now live in a house with young adults ranging from 13-20.  Each of them becoming their own person and wanting to be heard or left alone to BE. Christmas time used to be sweet and filled with expectation.  Now there is a mixture of high expectations,, no expectations or a desire to do away with ritual all together.  

I've been listening to a lot of my children's music, partly by choice.  It is reminding me of a 60s rebirth.  The emotion is strong.  The futility of life, desire to be loved and wanting to do what will kill you so that you can feel alive are all part of the message. There are still the catchy happy songs mixed in.  The rap music is intense and the rap I listen to has strong messages throughout the raw stories. 

 But look at our world. Their world. Fucked up, right? Places where in the past people have gone to for hope have let us down.  Judgement, abuse, prejudice and corruption are everywhere. Turning against all that you have known is a part of finding your own way and making sense out of the mess before you.  Deciding which anchors are safe and sure to hold our tossing ship is the hardest part.

I think many of us are looking inward. Not being introspective but seeing what is the light in us craving and allowing our light to move us.  Without being told told how we are supposed to live but reaching for what is congruent to us and trusting ourselves. To me after years of being told how sinful I am, it has been an agonizing but beautiful process to trust myself again.  To believe I have light in me.

The past has many good memories and I will choose to cherish them but I will also choose to close the door on "used to be's" and live in the realm of reality, shining my truth from within.

        

Patina, Wrinkles and Me

"Smile" lines grow deeper on my face.  I have had friends younger than me by at least 10 years get Botox injections.  To be honest, I have sat in front of the mirror and stretched my face toward my ears with my hands and yeah, my skin looks younger that way but sort of fake. I hate fake. I guess it's another part of my congruity.  I am pulled toward the natural, real and worn rather than the polished and perfect look.  The bottom line is on my journey I need to be okay with me.  NO, more than okay I need to really appreciate, to LOVE who I am and how I'm put together.  That means different things to different people.  

In one of Anne Lamott's books I remember a humorous story where she is riding an elevator to her hotel room returning from the beach.  She is in  her forties,I think, and there are several teens with their blossoming perfect bodies in the elevator with her.  They are all wearing bikinis including Anne.  The young shapely women were not sending positive vibes out to Anne and her body was taking note.  As she returned to her room she spoke kindly to her body acknowledging how well it has served her. The funny thing was it didn't seem like the young girls really appreciated themselves.  They were critical of Anne's more mature body and yet there was an obvious lack of confidence in themselves.  

As I witness the beautiful unfolding of the young women in my life I see this tendency to be self critical comes all too easy.  In my 50's I want to be set free here too.  Free to adore myself and to be thankful for the strength and energy I have.  My beauty is increased when I am real,passionate and congruent which allows a natural glow to warm your face. 

I met the most beautiful woman this summer at a strawberry stand.  She was selling me delicious berries with a warm smile and a beautifully patinaed face.  I won't forget her. I love the "patina" of old buildings. The rust, worn paint and old hinges all add to their beauty. When I stop and take a breath and really consider my aging, I appreciate and love this body which holds the essence of me. Patina, wrinkles and me, Yes!

                            

Photo taken by Sean Burke

        

Cutting myself FREE from my deepest fear

Letting go of my biggest fear may be acknowledging my own light, beauty and even power and living in it. There is beauty in acknowledging the light in others.  When I am with a group of children I can see and feel the aura and energy emanating from them as they share their truths and witness their own beauty. Emotion fills me and leaks out my eyes as I watch their unfolding. I was challenged by a passage of writing by Marriane Williams on Our Deepest Fear, "...Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond all measure.  It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us." So unlocking or setting free my light for ME feels like trying to pry open a HEAVY RUSTED PRISON DOOR!  

When I was in my 20's I could freely acknowledge my ability,goodness and intelligence.  It was a challenge for me to see the goodness and light in others.  In my 30's this scenario flipped. It wasn't just that as I experienced the tests of raising young children that I naturally felt my own inadequacies and failings. We spent 10 years, for me that was ages 30-40, in an abusive church situation, that distorted my view of myself.  So now at 51 I have been trying to unravel my thinking.  There is a part of this process that may simply be the need to walk in my light. Acknowledging my beauty, talent and even power all attributed to this light eminating from within me is a part of my liberation.  I envision swim miming upstream with a heavy bag of rocks tied to my feet, (the twisted views of self and shame), then taking a knife and cutting myself free from this weight and allowing my body to float freely down steam. No longer struggling but allowing my light to SHINE! 

       

        

Let go!

True North, as Martha Beck calls it, alludes me..... I can feel the emotions and needs of others, hear and understand their hearts but finding my hearts desire, my passion, my destiny feels like groping through a thick fog. Maybe groping right now is my destiny.  Learning to hold onto only the necessary elements of my life and allow, yes let go of all else! Okay I am envisioning a child pumping on a swing, higher and higher until they are ready and with a burst of fearlessness they release their hands and let go.  I WILL LET GO!

I WILL RELEASE FEAR!

                                 

Memories and Mushrooms And Congruity

One of my sweetest memories I have with my dad is foraging the countryside on the Northern California Coast, where we lived, for mushrooms.  There is a very strong feeling of confidence and congruity when I recall the sureness I felt when I spotted a mushroom. I was only 5 but I could find the small button mushrooms in the grassy pastures.  It felt so good to hear my dad's amazement and the tone of approval in his voice. I can almost smell the salty breeze and the damp air as we scoured the hills on a typically overcast day.  Today I went out to my pasture and dug up mushrooms and their surrounding grasses,tiny plants and fallen leaves. I set them carefully in a wicker basket to bring to inspire my 7th and 8th grade artists.  Art is also a part of my congruity. I am wearing an awesome pair of pumps covered some kind of cocoa colored fur with leather stripes that were found in a thrift store in England! Somehow the boldness to be funky feels very congruent too.


Funny thing is....I don't even eat mushrooms and yet they can bring up so much emotion for me.  Somehow this rediscovery has opened me up...a desire to seek an adventure.  Maybe I'll join a mushroom forager and romp in the woods...might even try tasting them again...might!

                       

The Didjeridu

Yoga this morning was such a good workout... I know I'm not a "yogi" but I worked really hard and did a half hour of sun salutations continuously as well as some killer ab workouts. One thing I noticed today and have been noticing my last few classes, when I take in a deep breath for my Om it catches as I release it and the sound is shallow lacking the fullness I have experienced before.  By the end when we got to Shavasana I was dripping wet and physically spent. Laying on my mat, the natural rhythm of my breadth returning I began hearing this strange sound that mimicked a stereo when it's inbetween stations.  At first I thought something must be wrong with the music but the sound persisted and began to get stronger with the sound of sharp breadths dispersed through the playing. I resisted looking, should have peeked, but the sound slowly made its way until it was originating from right beside me and this beautiful melodious sound came vibrating through me. I felt like it was there to infuse a vibration, unique to each individual. Really beautiful and for me profound.
The melodious vibration was unhaulting, smooth and organic.  My breadth these days is haulting.

I am fearful.  I stand at the brink of awakening my truest self and my insides feel frozen.
 The wind is outside my window is blowing freely, sending the tree branches in a push and pull motion. Then it effortlessly calms and whispers. Oh, to be the wind! Not to hault when I'm faced with a new door, different beliefs, a new perception of myself but to lean into it and allow the melody to come flowing freely. Much thanks to the Didjeridu and the beautiful man who played it!

Intuitive Gift?

Okay.so I am a very intuitive person. I feel the energy around me, all of it! Some of the energy is easy to understand, easy to hold space for and other energy is wild unbridled and carries a certain weight with it that freaks me out! I know where I have to go with this. Just observing it, as I observe a storm coming in from my window. Giving it a wide gerth so it can freely express itself and allowing the person from where the energy origininated to walk their journey. I live with 4 young people, ages 13-20. On the road to finding themselves, their independence and spreading their wings. At times it literally feels like I'm in a room with giant Eagles all spreading their wings at the same time and frantically flapping to push off the ground. Fearfully beautiful energy.

Inside me I am trying to find that energy. i know I can no longer hold all the spaces I have been holding for others and find me. Being intuitive it is impossible for me to let go of the parental concerns that come with living with your young adult children. At the same time I matter and having more balance is so necessary so I can hear myself. I have lost my footing. I am no longer grounded in who I am.

I AM
A lover of: nature,quiet, music,art dance,ideas,and observing everything
I love to hear the voice of children express their truth and the beauty in their eyes when they know they've been heard
I love touch, the tender touch of my lover that warms and melts me,
The embracing arms of my children that openly express love
The kind embrace of friendship that lets you know I am not alone.
I want to grow as a woman,as an artist, teacher and so much more.....
I want to turn my intuitive gaze on me and hear me so that I can start a new journey.
I am unfolding! 

        

Here I go !

This is for me.....if you happen along for my ride I hope it's congruent for you.  

Day one.... Stirrings.  This year has been one of the most difficult in my life and yet one of the most authentic.  It all began after returning from a trip to Paris/Ireland with my husband.  I was hoping for inspiring and finding our true selves and that happened on some level but when we came through our door......no I don't feel like going backward. I am here, at this place discovering who I am. 

 I am 51and a passionate wife, mom, friend. I love yoga,swimming,walking and bike riding. Art is in my soul and my desire for it is strong.  I have lived a life that has been safe, filled with hard work, duty and ritual and I am done. I am done with doing for duty sake, following what others think is right. I am hunting for my congruency.  Straining to feel what is really me. What the hell do I believe? Allowing for the, "I don't know?" There is a light within me that wants to break free, not to shine for the world to see but to illuminate me, free me, show me my true self. 

MORNING WINDOW

Golden leaves igniting the countryside, 

Ignite my soul.

Bright green grass shoots pushing up with new life,

Push through the dead dry grass in my field, enliven me.

Soft grey sky with moody clouds peeking through the canopy of lacy oak leaves,

Send soft rains rinsing away the false and leaving me, naked and real.